I’ve started a blog because I’m close to losing my mind. I guess that’s a hyperbole; but it’s becoming closer and closer to the truth every day.
Without going into boring details, here is some context:
- I am a 22 year old, highly-functioning female, with a full-time career
- I recently ended a 5 year relationship
- I identify as a “love addict,” as I depend on intimate connections with others for my happiness
As a recently single 22 year old, life has drastically changed. I get a lot more attention than I used to, and many of my guy “friends” have revealed their intentions. At first, it was fun. I signed up for Tinder, got bombarded with matches, and even contemplated meeting a couple of them. I couldn’t believe all of the attention I was getting, and from guys that were MUCH more attractive than my ex. I started texting, and sexting, and felt like a brand new person. I sent 3 guys nudes in the matter of two days – something I would have NEVER thought I would do. One I met on Tinder, and two have been friends with me for quite some time. They were all straight up with me about their intentions; they wanted to just have fun because “I deserved it,” but that meant “no feelings.” Of course, I played the cool girl and acted like I was fine with this. Actually, I think I even convinced myself I was fine with it. I need to have more fun in life. I haven’t been with someone other than my ex since my senior year of high school. I have desires that need to be fulfilled. I truly thought I had this shit all figured out.
But then the feelings of guilt and loneliness eventually overcame me. I found myself waiting for them to text me. Fantasies started running through my head — what if I could “change” one of them and convince them that I was worthy of more than just a quick fuck?
And that’s when I realized I am a love addict. I guess it’s something I always knew, but I never knew it actually existed (until I watched Netflix’s original series Love). Am I saying that sexting and sending nudes is bad? No, of course not. But when you constantly crave and actively seek out these types of intimate connections, it becomes a problem.
I do not know how to love myself. I am fucking terrified of being alone. I feel incomplete when I am not in a relationship with someone. When I meet someone, and we click, I immediately fantasize our life together. My happiness becomes contingent on whether or not the guy I am most actively interested in at the time talks to me that day. That is no way to live. I know I am better than that.
And while I am aware of this, I am in no way adequately prepared for how to overcome my addiction. Hopefully this is a good first step…