And so here we are.
The dreadful free time.
I’m a teacher, so does “free time” actually exist? Well, in essence, no – I could always be getting some grading or lesson planning done. But everyone tells me I need to take a break from work. So here I am trying to do that, and we meet: the devil in disguise; free time.
It’s during this time that I come to an utter realization of how alone I truly am. I’ve lost ties with most friends, and the fuckboys I’ve been “talking to” only text me for nudes or to sext. It’s the immense sense of loneliness that then leads me to believe that I NEED to connect with someone. It’s like I crave some sort of intimate social connection.
Now don’t get me wrong – there are aspects of being alone that I love. I can play music as loud as I want to, have some personal girl time (if you catch my drift), and sing extra loud in the shower.
But none of these “perks” seem to outweigh that sense of emptiness I often times feel.
My ex kept telling me this is why I needed to establish some hobbies. Besides smoking weed and playing video games, there’s not much I do to fill up my free time. I argue that teaching and developing curriculum is my fun pastime, but obviously it would be healthy to have a non-work related hobby. But my anxiety makes it so hard to go out (alone) and meet new people, let alone spark up conversation. I’ve tried things like photography and reading, but I often times get bored. Ideally, I should work out, but I don’t find that enjoyable (it’s hard to believe there are people who do..)
So I’m stuck; stuck with this black, gaping hole of loneliness inside of me, trying to somehow make it through this free time without just deciding to grade or plan curriculum in order to distract me.
I deserve happiness. I deserve to enjoy my free time. I deserve to love time with myself.
But something inside of me seems to think I’m not strong enough to have those things. And I just wish I fucking knew how to shut that thing off. Why is it so self-destructive?