And so here we are.
The dreadful free time.
I’m a teacher, so does “free time” actually exist? Well, in essence, no – I could always be getting some grading or lesson planning done. But everyone tells me I need to take a break from work. So here I am trying to do that, and we meet: the devil in disguise; free time.
It’s during this time that I come to an utter realization of how alone I truly am. I’ve lost ties with most friends, and the fuckboys I’ve been “talking to” only text me for nudes or to sext. It’s the immense sense of loneliness that then leads me to believe that I NEED to connect with someone. It’s like I crave some sort of intimate social connection.
Now don’t get me wrong – there are aspects of being alone that I love. I can play music as loud as I want to, have some personal girl time (if you catch my drift), and sing extra loud in the shower.
But none of these “perks” seem to outweigh that sense of emptiness I often times feel.
My ex kept telling me this is why I needed to establish some hobbies. Besides smoking weed and playing video games, there’s not much I do to fill up my free time. I argue that teaching and developing curriculum is my fun pastime, but obviously it would be healthy to have a non-work related hobby. But my anxiety makes it so hard to go out (alone) and meet new people, let alone spark up conversation. I’ve tried things like photography and reading, but I often times get bored. Ideally, I should work out, but I don’t find that enjoyable (it’s hard to believe there are people who do..)
So I’m stuck; stuck with this black, gaping hole of loneliness inside of me, trying to somehow make it through this free time without just deciding to grade or plan curriculum in order to distract me.
I deserve happiness. I deserve to enjoy my free time. I deserve to love time with myself.
But something inside of me seems to think I’m not strong enough to have those things. And I just wish I fucking knew how to shut that thing off. Why is it so self-destructive?
I’ve started a blog because I’m close to losing my mind. I guess that’s a hyperbole; but it’s becoming closer and closer to the truth every day.
Without going into boring details, here is some context:
- I am a 22 year old, highly-functioning female, with a full-time career
- I recently ended a 5 year relationship
- I identify as a “love addict,” as I depend on intimate connections with others for my happiness
As a recently single 22 year old, life has drastically changed. I get a lot more attention than I used to, and many of my guy “friends” have revealed their intentions. At first, it was fun. I signed up for Tinder, got bombarded with matches, and even contemplated meeting a couple of them. I couldn’t believe all of the attention I was getting, and from guys that were MUCH more attractive than my ex. I started texting, and sexting, and felt like a brand new person. I sent 3 guys nudes in the matter of two days – something I would have NEVER thought I would do. One I met on Tinder, and two have been friends with me for quite some time. They were all straight up with me about their intentions; they wanted to just have fun because “I deserved it,” but that meant “no feelings.” Of course, I played the cool girl and acted like I was fine with this. Actually, I think I even convinced myself I was fine with it. I need to have more fun in life. I haven’t been with someone other than my ex since my senior year of high school. I have desires that need to be fulfilled. I truly thought I had this shit all figured out.
But then the feelings of guilt and loneliness eventually overcame me. I found myself waiting for them to text me. Fantasies started running through my head — what if I could “change” one of them and convince them that I was worthy of more than just a quick fuck?
And that’s when I realized I am a love addict. I guess it’s something I always knew, but I never knew it actually existed (until I watched Netflix’s original series Love). Am I saying that sexting and sending nudes is bad? No, of course not. But when you constantly crave and actively seek out these types of intimate connections, it becomes a problem.
I do not know how to love myself. I am fucking terrified of being alone. I feel incomplete when I am not in a relationship with someone. When I meet someone, and we click, I immediately fantasize our life together. My happiness becomes contingent on whether or not the guy I am most actively interested in at the time talks to me that day. That is no way to live. I know I am better than that.
And while I am aware of this, I am in no way adequately prepared for how to overcome my addiction. Hopefully this is a good first step…