First off, Happy Mothers’ Day to all you amazing mothers out there! Being a mother is equivalent to being a superhero, so take a day off today. You deserve it.
I guess that’s a good transition to the first part of this post – “The Roots.” Without getting into too much of my history (which will surely come out as I continue to post), let’s just say I didn’t have the easiest childhood. That is not to say I was not privileged. I always had a roof over my head, clean clothes, and a full stomach. But growing up with a single mom, who also happens to be an alcoholic, is not the simplest feat. Thankfully, my mom is recovering and working on her sobriety each and every day.
Ironically, it’s my dad who drives me fucking crazy. And more so, his girlfriend of 10+ years, aka the closest thing to Satan walking on this Earth. A former cocaine addict, my father is a piece of a work. Don’t get me wrong- he’s been a wonderful father in terms of supporting me financially and being in my life. But he fails in the social-emotional category. His out of control anxiety and ignorance eats away at me, and living at home with him day to day is severely eating away at my consciousness. Today my room wasn’t clean enough for him – apparently there were “crumbs everywhere” and “it looked disgusting.” Minutes later I checked my room, and came to the conclusion that the “mess” he must have been referring to was a small bag of chips I forgot to throw out on a table and a bowl from the cereal I ate last night.
I wish I could have bit my fucking tongue. Unfortunately, I’m hot-headed like my father, and frankly I don’t take shit from him. I literally CANNNOT talk to him. No one can. When he is anxious, especially, there is no getting any of your words across.
So I yell, assuming he will hear me. Maybe my screams will penetrate his thick skull and make it to wherever his supposed heart is.
But he never does. And I know this. So why do I continue to strain my voice?
And that brings me to the second part of this blog post, “Here We Go Again.” Please stay tuned.